I’m curious when people say that they’re waiting for the right moment to have a difficult conversation with someone.
When is the right moment? What are we waiting for? Someone once said that there’s never a right moment. Or maybe the right moment is now.
You know when you have something weighing on you, and you get that burning, nervous, butterfly sensation high up in your chest? Maybe not, your hard conversation ickiness probably manifests itself differently. I get jittery, my heart thumps and flips, my hands shake and my leg goes like a pneumatic hammer. I go hot, cold, freezing, hot. My whole body goes tight as a bow. And in fact I often start like a bullet from a gun, needing to get beyond that first hurdle otherwise I’ll just back out and whatever it is will keep crushing me. Problem is… that my explosion usually overwhelms the person I’m talking to. I launch in and it’s like wham, wham, wham! So, maybe the moment was right, or could have been right, and my way of going about the communication was way off, totally reactive and governed totally by my limbic system and a heavy dose of ego.
I know I struggle with this hugely when I’m emotionally charged. My focus shifts entirely from the relationship and the other person, to an intense inward focus, a sort of cauldron of hurt and anger that feeds on itself and swells to cloud my vision entirely. Then I vent.
So, that’s not how to go about it. Judging the right moment is less about judging the external conditions, and more about judging the internal conditions, our own state of being and state of mind. Are we in the right place to be able to have this conversation? Can we make this productive, constructive and in service of the relationship?
I’m now aware of many of my patterns and default, reactive behavior. It doesn’t mean that I’m in control all the time, but it does mean that I can take a step back – ok, so, maybe sometimes I need to wrench myself back, stepping back Zen-monk-style is not yet in my repertoire, still working on that… With the people closest to me, I find it incredibly hard to maintain perspective and give myself the space to approach difficult situations with the right state of mind (the Italians by the way talk about the stato d’anima, which I love – the state of your soul; always so poetic, the Italians…). The challenge for me is to shift the focus back onto the relationship and seeing the other as who they really are, really see the person. When that shift happens it’s like time slows down. Suddenly the fog lifts and everything goes soft. In that moment I just want to hug the person close, so close and let them know how much I love them and how important they are to me.
From this state of soul it’s easier to talk things through, find alignment and reconnect profoundly. And it moves me deeply each and every time.
When is waiting for the right moment just a good excuse to put off that vital conversation?
How can we create the right moment by who we are being energetically, by how we show up?
What are your patterns when you face challenges in your relationships?